Friday, March 18, 2011

Aidez-moi! Je suis en vie sans toi

I'm so sorry that I haven't updated sooner. I'm still in the process of accepting and recovering from the trauma in the past week. My cousin Daboy had/has a strong heart. Even after he was I guess declared brain dead, his heart was still beating. But unfortunately, there was no way to revive him. Like an empty shell. He was registered as an organ donor, so we only have but oh so much time to decide on what to do before his organs started failing and decaying. My family and I stayed with him for 4 days until he was declared dead at 9:10pm on Monday March 7th, 2011. Seeing him at the viewing was probably the most traumatizing thing to see, honestly. There was my cousin, my brother in a sense, in a casket. But it wasn't even him. This mother fucker had make up all over his face, chapped lips, cotton shoved up his mother fucking nose, no heart beat, no nothing. I couldn't even touch him. I just kept repeating to myself that he's going to wake up soon. I'm slowly realizing that he's gone forever, but his heart was so big and the love he gave to everyone was so genuine. His love will live through me, through you, through everyone. He had so much of it you wouldn't even believe it if it were in material form. He was my everything. He was the one that revolutionized my character. And now he's gone. You need to get from Virginia Beach to Santa Barbara with a map. Can't lose it, but it flew out the window on the way there. You have no cell phone, no GPS, no nothing. You're lost, right? I'm so lost.

Daboy wouldn't have wanted me to hold any grudges. He was always about peace. Ugh, I'm crying as I'm writing this. But just as a general announcement since this blog is public and I'm sure my enemies have come across it. I'm over everything that's happened in the past minus my cousin's death. Whether it was I stole your boyfriend or you stole mine or you borrowed a pair of jeans and never gave it back or a leather jacket or whatever. Really, you should know who you are, ALL of you. I'm over all of that because there are more important things I'm focusing on. I'm not going to say sorry in general, but to those that deserve an apology, I'm seriously sorry. But I need to divert my attention to the present and what I'm going to do with myself during this time of serious trauma and deep depression and anger.

In Loving Memory of my beautiful cousin Daniel "Daboy" Ibanez
We all love you, so much. But please, stop unhooking my shower curtain. It's scaring my dog.

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